Completely empty right now listening to elliott smith.

It reminds me strongly of Eri and the feeling that I never ever know enough. Always a few steps behind. Behind Eri. Behind life. I'm no good in any direction. Completely useless. Can't connect with anything but nothing.
Perfection only lasts a moment. Then you die.

I'm feeling insane. I met a girl who reminds me of Eri. Except instead of two years older than me, she's two years younger. I don't feel love but I do feel some innate affection. It took me a few weeks to admit that I even liked her at all, and just as I do, she seems to be pulling away from me. Life is insane. But I'm actually glad. I was worried. I really was. Maybe I still am. Maybe nothing is as I imagine. Maybe I'm throwing in my natural paranoia? My tendency to see the worst in people. To see the worst in myself. I call it objectivity. Others call it pessimism. Well I'm optimistically pessimistic.

I'm starting to look at people like numbers. Not as human beings. Mostly because most of them tell stupid jokes and drink cheap beer. Therefore they are numbers. Not people. I think working in the service industry teaches you that people are mostly phony. They bullshit each other so much that they actually believe their own shit. But there are a glorious few who are themselves, even when they don't need to be. It's refreshing.

I'm absolutely exhausted. I've stayed up the past few nights talking with hannah.
I think that's what killed me so much about today. We had nothing to talk about. I haven't felt strange in that way in a very long time. Maybe never. Maybe I've only felt that feeling through a book. It was the feeling of disillusion. That maybe things weren't as I thought they were. It was also the horrible feeling of getting your hopes crushed. Except you don't know for certain if it was a fluke or not. She was feeling sick. Apparently quite sick. But does that matter? Maybe it does. This is exactly why I hardly thought about this the past few weeks. I didn't want to get worked up over something that might turn out to be nothing. I hate taking chances on girls. It leaves me more empty than just about anything else. Luckily I've avoided it for nearly two years. Now that might be gone. Maybe this is good. Maybe I need to suffer at the hands of a girl to make me forget my horrible obsession with eri.

Of Human Bondage has made me even more scared of women. I know I've been in his position. The fact that my mildred was actually an intelligent and attractive woman didn't help at all. I'm not anxious to rush into anything even remotely close to that again. I never want to lose myself to another person. I don't want to open up to someone. I don't want them to have power over my happiness. And I especially don't want to be lonely any longer. Ah fuck. It felt so good to hold hands. I thought about telling her last night that it wasn't going to work. That's how upset I'm becoming to this whole thing. I'll get extremely indifferent. Then loving. Then upset that I'm allowing myself to feel something for someone who might potentially be there no longer. Does this make sense? I feel insane. Why am I like this? Why can't I just fuck and get on with my life? Why do I need to think about this. I'm male. But I'm not. I'm something else. I'm not unique, but still at odds with the majority. I'm torn between wanting to cure loneliness and fierce independence from any need for companionship. And why?

Partly because of the intensity surrounding my love for eri. It still echoes around me at times and my emotions become extremely complex. I don't regret that situation, it's just that it's affected every other relationship I've ever had. Even friendships. I look at things differently. That two year process aged me by ten in some ways. And retarded me by ten in others. I am old before my time, and forever a child. I've become more honest in my relations with others, but that cuts both ways, as does everything, as my father incessantly reminds me.

Ok I need sleep. Good night my little skylarks.