I feel so strange right now.


Since last thursday I haven't been alone. It started Friday morning. Being with someone. Constantly. The point of Indiana was to learn how to be around others. Constantly. Now that I'm home my sister is here. She stays until I leave for Vegas. Where I'll be with someone constantly.

I can't take my fucking family right now. I can't fucking take reality right now. I just went through a Five day mindfuck and now I'm going through a weekend of torture.


My car broke down today in Horseshoe Bend on the way to McCall. Fucking burnt up the clutch. Had to get it towed back into Boise and then was at the mercy of my Uncle all day long. And when I escape finally from his clutches, I find myself cornered by my awkward and nonunderstanding sister. She does not fucking get me. I swear we have a disconnect that i never really noticed before. She likes the material world. I mean she doesn't like it, I mean that it is the only thing which makes sense to her. The second I go abstract she starts rolling her eyes and accuses me of trying to act smart. So I'm forced to cater to her. Which feels like pressure. Which I fucking hate.
And tonight, when my uncle's truck wouldn't start (which he lent to me for the next few nights while my car is out) she acted as if the whole fucked up day was my fault. That I wasn't keeping her properly entertained. She goes, "I don't think I could live her, it's way too boring, It's like you never fucking do anything or go anywhere."

I wanted to say, Get the fuck out of my car! but instead I told her it was a high stress time for me and she should get the fuck off my back. That shut her up a little but I was so pissed I thought I was going to fucking explode. Jesus Christ.

Hahaha so yeah, I'm not feeling so hot. I'm sick from Indiana, I'm still trying to get over what happened there, and now I'm dealing with an older sister who could give a shit less about the things that are important to me and feels that I'm letting her down as a brother if I'm not providing an ever constant party for her to attend, and probably complain about.

I'm happy to go to Vegas, but only as a way of clearing all responsibility for two weeks, and just concentrating on nothingness. The act of nothing. hahaha. I'm so funny sometimes. The words that I say, no one else says. They say my name is Derek Ririe. This is not my real name.

I met a girl in Indiana. I love the knowledge that the act of finding her was the only thing that I'll ever have. Nothing more. She no longer exists outside of the memory of finding her existence. Nothing prolonged. No continued physical existence. And yet no real regret. I found existence. It became conscious of itself. The shared existence of feeling, made gloriously and completely conscious, only to be separated from itself and let bleed and fade. They say my name is Derek Ririe. This is not my real name.

Hmm I need to think and sleep. Goodnight again. And again