I feel so strange right now.


Since last thursday I haven't been alone. It started Friday morning. Being with someone. Constantly. The point of Indiana was to learn how to be around others. Constantly. Now that I'm home my sister is here. She stays until I leave for Vegas. Where I'll be with someone constantly.

I can't take my fucking family right now. I can't fucking take reality right now. I just went through a Five day mindfuck and now I'm going through a weekend of torture.


My car broke down today in Horseshoe Bend on the way to McCall. Fucking burnt up the clutch. Had to get it towed back into Boise and then was at the mercy of my Uncle all day long. And when I escape finally from his clutches, I find myself cornered by my awkward and nonunderstanding sister. She does not fucking get me. I swear we have a disconnect that i never really noticed before. She likes the material world. I mean she doesn't like it, I mean that it is the only thing which makes sense to her. The second I go abstract she starts rolling her eyes and accuses me of trying to act smart. So I'm forced to cater to her. Which feels like pressure. Which I fucking hate.
And tonight, when my uncle's truck wouldn't start (which he lent to me for the next few nights while my car is out) she acted as if the whole fucked up day was my fault. That I wasn't keeping her properly entertained. She goes, "I don't think I could live her, it's way too boring, It's like you never fucking do anything or go anywhere."

I wanted to say, Get the fuck out of my car! but instead I told her it was a high stress time for me and she should get the fuck off my back. That shut her up a little but I was so pissed I thought I was going to fucking explode. Jesus Christ.

Hahaha so yeah, I'm not feeling so hot. I'm sick from Indiana, I'm still trying to get over what happened there, and now I'm dealing with an older sister who could give a shit less about the things that are important to me and feels that I'm letting her down as a brother if I'm not providing an ever constant party for her to attend, and probably complain about.

I'm happy to go to Vegas, but only as a way of clearing all responsibility for two weeks, and just concentrating on nothingness. The act of nothing. hahaha. I'm so funny sometimes. The words that I say, no one else says. They say my name is Derek Ririe. This is not my real name.

I met a girl in Indiana. I love the knowledge that the act of finding her was the only thing that I'll ever have. Nothing more. She no longer exists outside of the memory of finding her existence. Nothing prolonged. No continued physical existence. And yet no real regret. I found existence. It became conscious of itself. The shared existence of feeling, made gloriously and completely conscious, only to be separated from itself and let bleed and fade. They say my name is Derek Ririe. This is not my real name.

Hmm I need to think and sleep. Goodnight again. And again

collection of loosely held thoughts

I was thinking the other day about how if everyone treated me as if I wanted to be treated, nothing would ever get done in this world. Everyone would be too busy trying to figure out the apparent contradictions associated with the wants that float around in a constant and chaotic fashion inside of my brain. People would be either forced to avoid me all together or become stalker like, since those seem to be the only two modes that would make sense for them to assume when dealing with me. This would be of course based on the assumption that they somehow knew how I wanted to be treated without me verbally having to communicate it to them. Fuck.

I'm not sure if that made sense but I'd be more than happy to discuss it with any of you sometime, although if you're confused now, you'll probably be terribly more so after any sort of verbal clarification that I would attempt to provide. That being said, we shall now fall into the pattern of not-being.






























Did you feel it? The very fabric of your being starting to come apart? No? Ok let's try again. All together now class, Start not being!





























Still nothing eh? That's ok. Maybe it doesn't really matter.



I've been thinking about the way we view existence. We can say that things don't really exist, only that we perceive that something is existing. That it is simply in our minds, like the Matrix. Except where did those images come from? God? Why complicate things? Of course we must perceive things in order for them to exist, but that only applies subjectively! When we perceive things, they exist, but only to us! The thing exists independent of us and our perceptions, except it changes once it leaves our minds. The object is one thing inside our minds through our perceptions of it, but it is something else altogether Outside and Alone. Something we can come incredibly close to seeing, but never fulling knowing. Therefore I agree that things only exist when we perceive them, but only in the form in which they are being perceived! Not in the form in which they may truly exist. But the closer we get to understanding things as they truly exist (meaning independently from us and our first perceptions)then the closer we get to realizing the meaning of identity and existence.
Maybe it's because I think about identity quite a bit, and I hate being misinterpreted as well as misunderstood. Maybe that's what drives all existentialists (haha fuck all the non-conformists who wish to remain free from that particular label (Camus, I'm looking at you!)) to try and determine the meaning of existence in the modern age, with or without some notion of God or a higher power, as well as how to find meaning with the modern existence. Identity is tied (in my mind at least) inextricably to the dilemma of meaning and existence, in that we must have an identity in order to be in existence. They seem to imply each other. Therefore if there is an issue with one, it seems necessary that there must be an issue for the other. If existence is tentative, then where is identity? Either it too is tentative, or it is defined through existence itself being tentative. Either way it seems reasonable to suppose a direct relationship with the two.
To me it seems that once we verify the existence of something to a point of absolution, then we must also realize that the identity is there as well. Except what is absolution, and can we reach it? Probably not with some things, I'm thinking of living, organic organisms. It seems more reasonable with nonliving structures to assume that we can reach this "absolute" relationship in which we have determined that nature of that objects existence completely.


Ok I really need to work on my Hegel essay. Hopefully some of this made sense, although it isn't apparent to me yet why I felt a need to write any of it.