Every night with dinner i drink about 4/5 of a bottle of beer (killian's delicious irish red at the moment), which i pour into a large glass mug. i put whatever is remaining in the bottle into the fridge and forget about it. That's been going on for a few days and so when i opened the fridge tonight to grab some soup that inga made earlier, i realized that the top storage shelf was nothing but near empty beer bottles. I don't know why but i couldn't stop laughing about it at the time. inga hasn't said anything about it, but i don't think she realizes that they are all mostly empty, so she probably just assumes that i ran out of room for beer in the other fridge or something, who knows.

I went back to boise to visit for a night last week. I realized that I don't want to be in boise any longer. It never really held my heart, and after two years i'm ready for another change. I know the change won't be immediate, and nothing is definite right now but i've been conversing with my father and after a semi-heated discussion, he conceded that it was time for me to move somewhere else. I don't want to tell anyone my plans yet but i thought this was a good place to put my thoughts down. I know that i won't feasibly be able to leave for another year, but that can be endured. I'm actually looking forward to this year in boise. I always feel better about a place when i know that i'm not far from somewhere else. I become the best employee in the world the moment i realize that i'm quitting sometime in the future. I think a lack of major change scares me.
Almost as much as the change itself.

I am tired, and worn out from the watchmen.

I listened to a strange conversation today while sitting in the hot tub that my family has access to. there was this ultra american family sitting in the tub with me. the mom was a first grade math teacher. the father was an engineer. the five sons all played sports, had braces, and six packs. The dad told some off-color joke and the sons would all snicker and the mom would get pseudo-upset. It's funny how everyone acts when just one unknown is in the room.
I wouldn't talk to them, i just pretended they weren't there, partly because i couldn't stand the sight of them, and partly because i was thinking back over Watchmen, because i had just finished it.
I could tell they didn't like that i said hello and then just stopped looking at them. I mean with their whole family there, they were all practically on top of me. And when I'd open my eyes, the dad was always trying to catch my eye, while the mom was doing her best to ignore me. It also didn't help that i would sometimes listen to what they were saying and i would add a comment, or a correction, usually directed at the mom, who i found a bit silly and pretentious, while not looking at anyone. Everyone would go silent, and the dad would try again to catch my eye, but the mom would just pretend nothing had happened and would keep on talking. I knew i was acting a bit out of character, but it felt kind of nice just to be an obnoxious fly on the wall, while the mom continued to criticize everyone in her family in a strange pseudo-academic way. Like, look at me, I teach math to first graders, so suddenly i'm the ultimate authority on everything.
The dad was good-humored, but it creeped me out the way he kept trying to get people to look at him after he made a joke, you know, just to ensure some kind of response. Maybe it was because his wife either ignored him or criticized him. He was looking for acceptance somewhere. I just wasn't willing to give it to him. Neither were his sons apparently.
Then it was funny how they kept talking about some of the sons, but refused to even acknowledge some of the others. All the kids were 17 and younger mind you. The oldest got the most attention. The mom kept calling him mature for the weirdest shit.

"So I hear that you ate all your food and the food that your grandma couldn't finish last night at chapalas. I'm proud of you. That's a real sign of maturity."
WHAT THE FUCK??? If that's the case, I should be a fucking child. I never eat other people's fucking food. God, all this time i never knew!!!

But then the dad would mention one of the other brothers doing something similar and she'd pretty much insinuate their obvious piggish qualities. Not joking, for one person it meant maturity, but it meant that another was some sort of pig, not human. And it's funny because I found the one who was "mature" to be the most obnoxious of the group. Although 17, he kept playing little pranks on his brothers that made me thing of a sixth grader picking on third graders.

The whole thing was immensely entertaining and slightly disturbing. I wish I could think of more weird stuff from them but i'm pretty tired and i can't really remember details too well.

The last few days have been weird like that though. Talking isn't easy for me anymore. I'm not clever. I can't think of jokes offhand, or witty comments. I try to just keep it basic, but even that comes out wrong. I keep slurring words like a drunk, and i'm often distracted by little things. Last summer everyone thought i was so clever and funny. Now i'm just interesting. People think i'm genuine and sincere and possibly brilliant. I hate to let them down, but i don't feel any of those lately. Especially not to the crowd i'm encountering. Rich fifty year olds who are retiring and looking for someone to speak pop psychology and philosophy with. someone who they can talk about the life's path with, and other mystical nonsense. They want me to come hang out with them and drink wine and just talk, but i can't. I can't get out of my house. I can't take all the new age idealism and vague upbeatness. I can't take the pretty girls who know nothing, and aren't ashamed of it. Although that is more refreshing that all those who pretend to know, to want to know, and still don't. They just know the rhetoric well enough to trap new thinkers like myself. I say new only because i've been recently introduced into the world of ideas, and therefore am still quite green.

Ahh I don't know. Right?