Such a beautiful song

This is called "lazy eye" by the silversun pickups. I saw this video last year when I was home for christmas and deeply depressed about the state of my life. I just remember that it came on at like three in the morning and it was the first thing in days that I had seen that gave me any sort of hope for where I was going in life. That's not to say that it gave me any sort of direction or motivation. It was just a feeling, a feeling that even though i'd been depressed for the last year and a half, that someday it would leave and I would be somehow better off in some unimaginable way for having lived through all of that. Which seems so silly to me now. I know it wasn't all because of a girl, but that had a lot to do with it.

It's almost as if I have just a few select number of abstract ideals that control the definition of my identity which would include (but are not limited to):
The intense and lingering separation from my god;
The the separation from the only girl I have ever loved;
The idea that I'm nowhere close to where I want to be in life;
And the realization that I have no idea where I want to be in life.


I don't know if that makes sense. I'll try to reorganize and clarify it later on. I've just realized that these are some of the main sources of my seemingly never-ending cycle of depression. Which is good, because depression is healthy I think. Maybe we fear depression now because no one wants to be different. We all crave individuality and freedom yet we're all the fucking same. Same nothingness. Same problems. Same fear of standing out. Being free takes courage. I'm not making a case against freedom. I'm just thinking through my writing. I like thinking philosophically, I just wish I could look at things in a more mathematically disconnected way instead of attaching emotions and feelings to my philosophical inquiries. Hmmm.

Personality = Fate.

If I live in accordance with myself, and my instincts, am I really free? Or am I instead a slave to my own genetic and environmental make-up? So is freedom an abstract ideal we use to feel superior to ourselves, or is life less fatalistic than that? Of course you can choose to go against yourself, but that seems to lead to being unsatisfied and unhappy. So is it really even a choice?

Would you rather be a content pig or a miserable man? hahahahahahahahahaha