I really feel the need to write right now but I am unsure about what I need to write about. Whenever I have this feeling I usually find myself wanting to write down the millions of story ideas that I have throughout the day, except that whenever I actually sit down to write, not a single idea comes forward.
I am so terrible about procrastination. I leave thursday morning for San Francisco and here I sit not having gotten anything done I needed to in preparation for it. So now I've pushed everything back until tomorrow. Gahhhhh. This type of thing stresses me out but at the same time I feel more than a hint of excitement whenever I push things to the last minute like this. I want to see how deep I can get before I can no longer pull myself safely out.
I started talking with Wayne again today after a few weeks of silence, and I realized that I need to have several different groups of people that I associate with at any given time. Whenever I spent my time exclusively with just one person or one group, my ideas and feelings start to become somewhat stagnant. I need to have several individuals and groups who are vastly different in my world. I also need to keep them all separated for the most part. This is probably why it was always so hard for me to bring girls around my friends. These were two separate worlds that needed to be kept separate. This of course pissed both my girlfriends and my friends off. They couldn't understand why I couldn't just bring the two spheres together like normal people (I'm assuming it's normal, since they all acted like it was). This is also why I want to live separately from my wife, for at least a sizable chunk of the time. I don't want to get bored and I don't want to her to get bored. I know it sounds selfish. That's because it is somewhat, but I also think it's highly rational. Maybe not.
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OK, I have no idea what is the "right" way or the "wrong" way. I get what you are saying and it makes sense to me. Because I think that we need to honor the individual. Have our own life and be independent, live our own life.
Have a separate house and a separate room and a separate city. That all sounds so good to me, but un-realistic because you "marry" the person and you have to live together with that person. At least that is what is the “traditional way”. You become one with each other, a bond and it is so wonderful and probably fucked at the same time...
Ok, I was really drunk when I wrote that. Look at the time on it. Holy shit, I never stay up that late unless I'm drinking whiskey or wine. hee hee
oh well, at least it's not bottling? huh?
Yeah.
Derek: I used to worry about that, but for me, when I found T it was different. You (meaning you) expect you'll get bored because somehow you'll have figured the person out; you'll know all their moves; nothing they'll do will surprise you. Not true. I can't read T worth shit.
I'm stubborn as hell, but there's something in me, that for T, I'll just do about anything. Not rational. Not logical. Not cool sometimes, but I will. I'll back down in a disagreement. I'll force myself to come to him first. I'll wait and be patient.
But I sure as hell don't think I'm the only one doing the 'work.' I know I can be more than a handful. But he seems to 'get' me. I sure as hell don't really get him; sometimes, but not always.
And with a couple, often the small things matter both the most and the least at the same time.
You may think me crazy; fine. But, I wanted you to hear a different perspective than your own, and one that probably was more in line with your own at some point. Though there are a large number of things I thought about marriage and relationships that I have since learned differently about.
As you all like to say, "it is what it is."
I think maybe the ultimate relationship is one that pushes you to stretch yourself beyond what you thought capable, both good and bad (hopefully mostly good); and one that allows you to be and understand yourself more than you ever would alone; and one that allows you to expand your world view in ways that otherwise might be stale and unexplored.
Maybe overly romantic; whatever.
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