So today I woke up feeling like crap. My throat hurt and I hadn't gotten much studying done for my geology test, mostly because I spent most the night working on philosophy homework that I had forgot about until opening up my backpack last night. Oh and by the way I didn't finish my philosophy homework either so I was feeling fairly crappy about that. On top of that I really wanted a bright sunny day. I mean after realizing my depression, I decided that there was nothing I could do except embrace the sunshine of spring.
-I also think that this decision comes a lot from both Jodi's inspirational message about starting this cultural movement in Boise and from a comment that Jodi said to me last night before M and B showed up. (The comment was in reference to not being as extreme as her friend tim who made the movie we watched last night. She said that he went through these intense phases (I immediately thought of my extreme batman obsession when I was six as well as my pokemon and dragonball z obsessions at eleven and twelve) where he completely pursued something, often at the cost of everything else. She mentioned his phase of book reading and it touched upon my secret fear that I don't read nearly as much as I think I should and as much as I think other philosophy students are reading (which is kind of ridiculous because most of the philosophy students I know are seniors which means they're forced to read more, plus they've been around longer).
Plus after seeing Jodi's collection I realized that my mere collection of sixty or so books is kind of a joke (you know I haven't even read all of them). So I always feel fairly self-conscious about seeming academic and not having read as extensively as I would like or feel that I should.
So she told me about Tim who read book after book, not even taking the time to shower. I felt sooo lame right then, because I've often put a book down to shower and then haven't picked it up in days (ah shit). So she's telling me about Tim who also happens to have taught and has an M.A. and who is an indie-film maker (one of my not-so-secret dreams) and I'm thinking,...Goddammit.
So there I was feeling a bit silly in comparison to Tim and she says to me that even though he read non-stop, it was more to say that he'd read the books than for the actual content. Is that hope glimmering on the horizon? Why yes sir I believe that it is. And that's it. She told me that I'm not as extreme but that I actually understand what I read. She said I'm into philosophy but that when I read I get what I'm reading. The point for me isn't to say that I've read x, y, and z, but instead to actually understand the world around me in a philosophical way.
Ok so I'm paraphrasing a little bit but that's how I interpreted the conversation. She can correct me if it's wrong but that's what I seemed to understand and draw from, and that was the thought that's helped me realize that I need to embrace the sun instead of endlessly fighting against it.