Lust is real; love is a dream; manipulation is the main proponent of lust and love; we are all fools. Gahhh I hate drinking when I'm not feeling well; it only intensifies my feelings of dissatisfaction. It's not that I don't think love exists, I just think it's a base, drug-like emotion that we give significance to because we like to feel that way. We like to feel special, and to try to shove away this overwhelming loneliness. A loneliness which is undefinable and never wholly leaves. It just allows itself to meander to the back of my mind for a while, and the longer it stays in the back, the more terrible I feel when it comes back to the noticeable front. I can't live like Allen. As much as I try to pretend to be the stolid and indifferent philosopher; I am something different. Something I have rarely come across in others. Something I can define, but never distinguish. Although I am NOT unique, nor original, I feel the most at home when I am. Or at least when I truly accept that I am NOT.
This doesn't make much sense.
I was doing well there for awhile, although I can't say for how long, nor in what specific way I was doing "well." (I'm really starting to hate ambiguity and relativism).
Why am I cute? I have heard that from many different voices, and yet none give me a satisfactory answer of HOW exactly. Maybe that's an unfair question. Maybe I'm just trying to feed my own vanity, or confirm my own biases. Just please tell me what the word cute means. Is it acceptable for a twenty year old male to be cute? Who is defining the word, and are you drunk when you said it? I know myself but sometimes it gains me understanding to pretend that I DO NOT. "No I was not aware that I did that, please tell me more about me. I'm ever so curious to hear." Fucking attention whore? Who knows. I tend to not want to believe that of myself, but there you go, the digression from objectivity. Brilliant. Love you all. Goodnight.
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3 comments:
This is a hard one, yeah, you might be cute, yeah, you might be a kind soul, very tender and sensative to others feelings, but the truth is you are a very handsome person, outside and inside; you are strong and confident and that is very attractive. when people first look at you, they might say, "oh, he's cute." but when they get to know you, you become handsome, intriguing and unique. deal with that.
Hahaha wow thank you. I will try to digest that comment, but accepting compliments has always been hard. I think we in this group all have felt that; probably because none of us really like that much attention.
Actually I take that back. I do like attention, but not when it comes from people I fear or respect. I love that hollow attention that comes from the symbolic pat on the back after accomplishing something mediocre and pleasuring for someone else.
Someone who only cares about you when you're doing something for them. I like that attention because it's easy to take in since it's vain and almost worthless.
For instance; You do something nice for a pretty girl. She gives you a hug and maybe a kiss. Then she's on to the next person.
That kind of thing used to kill me but now I understand it and view it as much easier to deal with than the genuine, heartfelt thanks from someone i actually care about.
I think the reason is mostly because whatever I did for the person I care about, I did out of the want to make them happy, or better off, and not for attention. So when attention comes I don't know what to do with it because I was never looking for it.
Hmmmm. Maybe not though. hahaha.
Anyways; Thank you. If at least a tenth of what you say is true; I will be content. Hopefully you feel good from this message, because by me telling you that it's hard for me to accept this compliment, I am also saying that I care about you and what you say and think.
Goodnight.
I was trying to post on that pic but it was gone before I hit the button lol, As I started to say I had some notes that held no more info than that :)
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