Well it's definitely a strange combinations of things but I've noticed a pattern in my depression and that somewhat freaks me out because I think it means that I'll never really stop being depressed. Unless I take medication or something which I won't do because I'd rather be free from that kind of dependency.
But I also now see that depression is an endless cycle and now I'm caught up in wondering if it's even worth fighting. I'm not talking suicide exactly, but a giving up of sorts. Giving up completely on some sort of utopian ideal of eternal happiness or self-realization. I've felt that these ideals were unreachable before, but never quite to this extent. It's like losing my faith in god again, and making that realization of attitude that we are alone and that the only reason that we do things is because we exist. Life is purposeless except to keep on living; to keep on evolving.
Gah that all sounds a bit nihilistic, but I can't escape how I feel. Although it isn't all death and gloom over here. I can see the flowers blooming in the first throes of spring. Actually it's this feeling of spring; this feeling of life renewing itself in this endless cycle that has caused all this.
I can smell a false hope; people will start going outside; the trees will come back. I don't hate this, but every instinct in my body is telling me to give up. I want to fight back but I don't know how and I don't know what against exactly. I can't fight feelings or smells or thoughts. I can only analyze and understand them. Only then can I put them in their proper places. But I fear these feelings, because I fear change, and I fear time. I fear becoming something other than myself. I fear at not being loved; and not being able to love.
Gah I list my fears all day long. It wouldn't really help. But writing this did. Thanks Dalyn.
It was so hard for me to write that post because I hate the thought of seeming too needy or not in control. My whole life I have avoided writing anything too self-revelatory for fear that I will appear too much like a victim. So now I find it almost impossible to write about anything that reveals too much about my past or how I feel about things, especially when I'm depressed. That's why I haven't written in a long time.
Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh. Man this is scary to write. I really hate opening up like this, but I'm fairly sure that I've lost most of you by this point. Which actually makes me feel a little better. Hopefully nobody gets this far ha, because then I won't have to worry about what people think about me. Gah.
I had a girlfriend who would always say gah. She really liked me but I was really only with her because she liked me. Which has been the story of every relationship I've ever been in except one.
See, totally useless fact. It's not even really that true. Human relationships are much more complex than that and I would never just be with someone because they liked me. I obviously liked her back to even remember who she is. Oh and we still talk on the phone sometimes. THERE WAS SOMETHING ELSE GOING ON. Ha but it was a blanket statement that captures a book load of thoughts and feelings into a single statement which only tells half of the story while covering me from further questions. I've made it before because it stops people. They go, "oh, he's one of those guys." And they stop. No more questions. That's it. Hahahahaha everything is so complicated and silly.
It's time for a laugh. Not a deep rich laugh, but a kind of mirthless bark which conveys both a feeling of hopelessness and a twinge of contempt for everything around.
This is going on too long. And the last few paragraphs aren't very good.
relax, I read the whole thing (sorry) ;-) and it was awesome and sounded every bit the philosophical you. I'm sorry your having such a hard time right now but everything is a cycle wether we really like that fact or not and you will come out of this at some point.
Don't be so hard on yourself, your the only one who can give yourself a break don't waste it
Thank you for reading all of that mess melissa. And thank you for calling me philosophical. That at least implies that the whining isn't completely useless. In my mind at least! Which is what counts since you all do not really exist outside of what I perceive you to be. Ok so you really do exist but I'm tired and so maybe you don't. Kinda like in Vanilla Sky when he... Well I won't ruin it.
Oh Derek....that was awesome. I absolutely loved what you said. It was so real and raw and from your gut and I so get it. Depression fuckin sucks and it is a cycle and we aren't in control. It sounds like you are letting go...kind of like we all are. I like to call it letting go because giving up sounds so final but it feels the same.
You are awesome and exactly where you should be, feeling it all, in that wonderful philosophical way.
Thanks for opening up.....it gives me permission to do the same.
5 comments:
Oh, I've noticed. I check everyday. Thought maybe school was the reason.
What is the self consciousness about and whats kept you all bottled up?
I'm listening :)
Well it's definitely a strange combinations of things but I've noticed a pattern in my depression and that somewhat freaks me out because I think it means that I'll never really stop being depressed. Unless I take medication or something which I won't do because I'd rather be free from that kind of dependency.
But I also now see that depression is an endless cycle and now I'm caught up in wondering if it's even worth fighting. I'm not talking suicide exactly, but a giving up of sorts. Giving up completely on some sort of utopian ideal of eternal happiness or self-realization. I've felt that these ideals were unreachable before, but never quite to this extent. It's like losing my faith in god again, and making that realization of attitude that we are alone and that the only reason that we do things is because we exist. Life is purposeless except to keep on living; to keep on evolving.
Gah that all sounds a bit nihilistic, but I can't escape how I feel. Although it isn't all death and gloom over here. I can see the flowers blooming in the first throes of spring. Actually it's this feeling of spring; this feeling of life renewing itself in this endless cycle that has caused all this.
I can smell a false hope; people will start going outside; the trees will come back. I don't hate this, but every instinct in my body is telling me to give up. I want to fight back but I don't know how and I don't know what against exactly. I can't fight feelings or smells or thoughts. I can only analyze and understand them. Only then can I put them in their proper places. But I fear these feelings, because I fear change, and I fear time. I fear becoming something other than myself. I fear at not being loved; and not being able to love.
Gah I list my fears all day long. It wouldn't really help. But writing this did. Thanks Dalyn.
It was so hard for me to write that post because I hate the thought of seeming too needy or not in control.
My whole life I have avoided writing anything too self-revelatory for fear that I will appear too much like a victim. So now I find it almost impossible to write about anything that reveals too much about my past or how I feel about things, especially when I'm depressed. That's why I haven't written in a long time.
Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh. Man this is scary to write. I really hate opening up like this, but I'm fairly sure that I've lost most of you by this point. Which actually makes me feel a little better. Hopefully nobody gets this far ha, because then I won't have to worry about what people think about me. Gah.
I had a girlfriend who would always say gah. She really liked me but I was really only with her because she liked me. Which has been the story of every relationship I've ever been in except one.
See, totally useless fact. It's not even really that true. Human relationships are much more complex than that and I would never just be with someone because they liked me. I obviously liked her back to even remember who she is. Oh and we still talk on the phone sometimes. THERE WAS SOMETHING ELSE GOING ON. Ha but it was a blanket statement that captures a book load of thoughts and feelings into a single statement which only tells half of the story while covering me from further questions. I've made it before because it stops people. They go, "oh, he's one of those guys." And they stop. No more questions. That's it. Hahahahaha everything is so complicated and silly.
It's time for a laugh. Not a deep rich laugh, but a kind of mirthless bark which conveys both a feeling of hopelessness and a twinge of contempt for everything around.
This is going on too long. And the last few paragraphs aren't very good.
relax, I read the whole thing (sorry) ;-) and it was awesome and sounded every bit the philosophical you. I'm sorry your having such a hard time right now but everything is a cycle wether we really like that fact or not and you will come out of this at some point.
Don't be so hard on yourself, your the only one who can give yourself a break don't waste it
Thank you for reading all of that mess melissa. And thank you for calling me philosophical. That at least implies that the whining isn't completely useless. In my mind at least! Which is what counts since you all do not really exist outside of what I perceive you to be. Ok so you really do exist but I'm tired and so maybe you don't. Kinda like in Vanilla Sky when he... Well I won't ruin it.
But thank you. I'll keep that in mind.
Oh Derek....that was awesome. I absolutely loved what you said. It was so real and raw and from your gut and I so get it. Depression fuckin sucks and it is a cycle and we aren't in control. It sounds like you are letting go...kind of like we all are. I like to call it letting go because giving up sounds so final but it feels the same.
You are awesome and exactly where you should be, feeling it all, in that wonderful philosophical way.
Thanks for opening up.....it gives me permission to do the same.
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