This was an interesting weekend for me.

On friday night I hung out with my friend Jeremiah who goes to university of oregon. We got drunk with his two friends who go to BSU (both female). He invites his friend from U of O over and she turns out to be this tiny asian chick who likes to laugh a lot. Needless to say we got along pretty well and ended up hanging out together for a majority of the night, until she left. After that I sobered up and attempted to leave, but my friend Jeremiah drunkenly told me that he wouldn't let me drink and drive. I told him that I had stopped drinking hours previous and hadn't had nearly as much as he had, but he didn't believe me and proceeded to try and fight me so that I wouldn't leave. This was pretty funny since he's a few pounds and inches shorter than me and probably has even less experience fighting. So he gave up that and decided that he would get in his car and pretend to drive drunk, to guilt me into not going. This of course didn't work and I left. We haven't spoken since, but I'll give him a call this weekend.

So that was my Friday night. Not too bad.

Saturday I woke up at around 5:45 in the morning (yes only a few precious hours after going to sleep) and I drove to meet up with my fraternity at Boise State. We had previously decided that we would take all the new members out on Saturday to breakfast. The idea was to all go eat, then work on our homecoming float, and then all go to the game, and finally have an after game party afterwards. This all sounded fine on paper, but when it came to the actual day we were all tired and grumpy. I even ended up going home twice to sleep almost missing the float making and missing the game entirely. I happen to make it for the party though, although I was so tired I had to scream along with Frog Eyes in order to stay awake whilst driving. Once there however, I became acquainted with a girl (I don't remember her name. I don't think I even thought to ask.) who one of my friends was hitting on. I started talking to her and she ended up hanging out with me for the rest of the night, which was kind of awkward since the other guy kept hitting on her while she was quite openly holding my hand, caressing my leg, etc. It was weird to me because I felt vaguely happy about the whole thing, but numb otherwise. I didn't even think that emotions were involved on my part. When she left I didn't really care. I told her not to go, but everything to do with her was purely physical. Not mental, not emotional. She was something that physically attracted me, so my body wanted her to stay, but once she left, it was only my body that cared.
This may seem trivial to everyone else, but for me it means something else. I've made out with a lot of random girls at parties, but I've been emotionally torn over every single one. I always mourn the loss of potential that might have existed if we knew each other outside of the party. But that's just it, they don't exist, and neither do I, at least not the form that is me when I'm not at the party. When we're drunk, we both see something that our bodies are interested in. If they pique some other parts of us, then we'll do something about it. But really that's it. Agh tangent.

So after she left, I stayed for just a few minutes and also left.

Sunday I finally started writing out one of my ideas for a play, as well as started drafting another one.

Monday I talked to the girl from my Non Fiction class who I've been sitting by but who I've been too afraid to talk to. We ended up walking from the business building over to the river, over the bridge, and through the park to the stadium, and then through the parking lot back to the business building. It was a strange walk, and she barely seemed to talk, but it was still pleasant, at least she seemed pleased to be there, and I felt myself slipping into another strange emotion. This time is wasn't anything physical. I was more content by the "concept" of walking alongside a pretty girl. That was the emotion I felt all day. I was content. I wasn't even really nervous or excited. I don't know.

My feeling today was that I'm growing older. I both like and distrust this idea. I also think that what I've been reading and thinking has had something to do with this vast change that I'm experiencing inside right now. I don't really have the time or energy to fall in love with every girl I see anymore, and I gave up potential awhile ago. Not that I think that people aren't capable of reaching their potentials, I just don't think that their potential is anywhere I want to be a majority of the time. So maybe now that I've internalized this kind of world view, it makes it easier for me to talk to girls because I realize that in most cases it won't go anywhere. So it's that knowledge that allows me to press forward, since I don't want anything past temporarily.
That's strange to me because it's new. I'm a broken record.
It's funny because, now that I'm reading back over this, it's leaving a lot out. I'll have to revise later. I am tired and I want to work on my play, which is starting to develop quite a bit in my mind, and it makes it easier to see where it's going once it's out on paper.

Night.