(shaking head in apparent disgust)

My left foot is numb. In fact both my legs are numb. The left foot however, stands out, with the sharp pain of a limb trying to either stay awake, or go to sleep. I don't know which except now I can't feel it at all. My hand move on their own accord and yet they control themselves. They seem to know when they've made a mistake and instinctually fix it without once consulting my brain to see what it thinks.

I need to sleep.


Disconnecting dots in my head.


Yet I only feel alive at night. It's the only time I feel completely free to be alone, and to be overwhelmingly sad at the same time. I know myself a little. Now it's time to learn the faces of others. I cannot sit in my room reading textbooks and old novels forever. I feel stagnant. I don't think life works in cycles. Or at least if it does than the cycles are all generalized affairs in which the details are constantly changing. Everyday I feel different than I've ever felt before. It may not be noticeable from yesterday, or from a feeling I had years ago, but that is an illusion. I feel different. I AM different. I am no longer myself. I am only the thing which is working towards myself.
I am clay the world's hand. The world belongs to me. I am not the world, but it is me. I am an ocean of thought and feeling, and they are nothing besides the universe outside of my carefully constructed atmosphere. Nothing breaks down those barriers other than myself. Nothing else is needed. My world is me. I am Me. The world is terrifying. I am afraid of myself. Of my core. Of my strength. Of my weaknesses. I am afraid of not realizing myself, while maintaining the fear of outliving myself.

I should maybe stop writing in here when my feet are numb; except it's the only time I feel like really truly laughing at myself.