a thought on constructive nihilism

Nihilism. The great nausea; the denial of self; nothing is real, and nothing matters; we will all die someday and nothing holds us all together. There is no external absolute and every act is justified just for being it's own assertiveness of violent freedom. Where does one find value in the denial of value? In being completely free.
The other night I was in a terrible state of depression, overwhelmed by the situation I had somehow found myself in. It was formless and disconnected from everything. I felt that if when I closed my eyes, nothingness took the form of existence and I was more than just alone. I was all that there was and everything else was a memory in oblivion. I feared this feeling more than death itself, because death was an escape from existence, and a form of not being. This feeling was that of being forced into life, forced into continuing to exist forever while everything around me fell into decay and slipped into another life, and another universe. It was the feeling of being on an island in the middle of existence, and it all being nothing in it's own value and meaning. Everyone was on the main body, unaware of their own decay and bodily corruption, falling one by one into the eternal sea of darkness, obliterated by their own inability to conquer it and live miserably for eternity.
This is the feeling i had and eventually i sunk so low that i began to consciously think about it. It became more than an intangible feeling. I became aware of nothingness and it was a comfort. I began pushing myself out of myself more, stepping outside my depressed introspection into a well contained extroversion. I started joking and laugh. Nothing was quite real and it all felt beautiful. Decay was being reversed and the young bud was blossoming into something still abstract, but completely satisfying. It wasn't a destruction of self but an awakening to the potential of self. I became more than myself unaided by ideas and was able to handle everything that came at me and respond exactly how i wanted to, to get the reactions i craved.
So maybe this isn't nihilism completely but i still felt the nausea and overwhelming nothingness, yet this led me to something else, something that was me completely. Whether or not this was necessary i'm not sure but that was my night and it seemed that i had to fall completely in order to rise.